Takin' Care of Business #4

Yes, my life has been busy and the majority of it has been going well; However...this has been my roughest week since I began grad school.

This week I wanted to throw in the towel.

Last week, I was very excited about going back to my undergrad institution for it's big Homecoming game. The only thing wrong with it was that my grad school was the opponent team for this big game. How does one choose who to root for? Obvious answer: the undergrad. Had I dared to wear my grad school's colors, I would have gotten a beat down in the parking lot on my way to the football game.

The entire week I had spoken of nothing else but of "going home" to Iowa. I call this place my home because that's where I have been my happiest at. It's the one place where I truly belong to the community. It's the one place where I felt wanted. My "permamnent address" (my parents) is hundreds of miles away in Texas, but Iowa is a part of me as much as I'm a part of it. So even though I go to school now about 4 1/2 hours away, my heart lies in Iowa. And my entire drive to Iowa was an exciting one, as I anticipated the joy I'd get once I would see all of my friends.

Every hour on the hour, I was talking to someone. I would walk down the street and people would wave at me or shout out my name. Every ten minutes I'd shriek with delight; squeals of happiness would emerge from deep within me as I saw alumni from years ago come back to town. "Oh my God, where have you been?" and "I haven't seen you in forever" and "I've really missed you" and "See, now things feel normal again"...over and over. It was such a great feeling to walk around my old campus and be such a rockstar. Those comments from people just made me realize that I really did matter at school and that I did make an impact on people's lives. Whether it was big or small, I gave my contribution to the students and the university. "That's because you know half of the campus, girl!" one of my old room mates said as I explained about how many people I had talked to that weekend. No kidding! I DID KNOW half the campus. It is so great to be loved. I have never felt that appreciated before. I mean, even the custodians that worked in my residence hall last year, when I was an RA, were excited to have me back. If anything, this Homecoming was for me not for the football team.

The Homecoming game was great. I spent the majority of the football game trying to read for Monday night's class. 400 page book and 17,000 fans cheering. Not a whole lot of concentration was going on. I was getting strange looks from people as my best friend's dad told me to put my book away, to which I replied with "I'm a grad student! I have responsabilities". My undergrad beat my grad, so I was celebrating with everyone else. But after 2 days of feeling elated on being back, it all came to a stop when I had to return back to my grad school...a 4 1/2 hour drive that I was not looking foward to.

I cried for a while in my car. I also sang at the top of my lungs to stay awake on the road (I was extremely tired). I arrived to my apartment sad, sleepy, and so heartbroken. The next day was horrible. My facebook wall was filled with comments from people who were happy to have seen me during the weekend. I reflected back on the trip thinking "Is it really worth it to be here, when I feel this miserable and alone and unhappy?" I really wish I could have both worlds, the undergrad and grad school. But you can't have everything in this world. I thought about how it would feel if I went home to my parents, defeated. They would be so dissapointed in me. I have a BA, but I said I was going to get this MA, and for me to not finish, because I was scared? because I was gonna chicken out? because I simply just "miss my friends" (add the touch of sarcasm from my mom)? The first one to go to college, and I'm gonna blow this opportunity away? Really, what am I thinking about? Honestly, do I want to become part of that statistic of Hispanics that drop out from college? NO!!!! I worked too hard to get here, I suffered enough, and I need to pull myself together. How am I gonna be takin' care of business, if I can't even take care of myself? Just when things were starting to get better, I fell through a crack and I'm back where I started. Again.

This week, I have been in the worst of moods. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was angry at the world. I was depressed. I was tired. It is almost like my body has decided to go on strike against me. I haven't eaten much. I haven't slept much. I'm super stressed to get everything done for classes. I have financial issues for I can't pay my school bill, and thus I can't register for classes now. My mom has been sick and was taken to the hospital yesterday (but she is feeling better today). Everything seems to be falling on me, and I don't know how or why I get out of bed in the mornings. But I hope everything next week goes a bit smoother.