It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 6

Food.

Holiday Spirit.

The inescapable reality of finals.

Yep, it’s that time of year. And we’ve all been feeling the stress. I really needed to get out of this building and I haven’t been home for Thanksgiving in two years, so I decided to surprise my parents for the holiday.

I feel like there is always this expectation that going home is going to be so much better than it is. While it was nice to see my family, it was also hard. I don’t feel like my parents really know who I am anymore. They moved to the east coast three years ago and it’s hard to stay in touch. Neither of my parents went to college, so it’s hard to explain to them exactly what it is that I do (I mean, let’s face it, even college educated people don’t always understand student affairs). Lately, I feel like I talk to my parents the way some people talk to God. You know, most of the time I’m too busy, but when I’m really stressed and upset they’re the people I call. I know that sounds terrible. Well, that is terrible.

Anyway, so I went home for four days. I don’t know what I expected. There was so much I wanted to talk about with my mom and I didn’t realize until she dropped me off at the airport and I started crying in her arms that I hadn’t said much of anything. Instead, I spent a lot of time listening to my grandpa’s adventures with dentures and playing dress up with my cousins. I attempted my first cheesecake (delicious) and bought a new pair of running shoes (finally), but I didn’t hug my family enough.

While I was at home, my mom told me that she was proud of me and how “together” I am. I didn’t tell her that just because you’re getting your master’s doesn’t mean you’re together. This semester has been rough. I’m struggling to stay positive, stay in shape, stay in touch with my friends, stay up-to-date on work and school, and stay in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend who is pushing me farther away every day. Going home gave me a little break from all of that, but I’m realizing that changing locations doesn’t solve your problems. The next three weeks are going to be hard. But soon enough, I’ll be back at home and maybe this time I can really make it count.

Takin' Care of Business #6

In my one-on-one with the coordinator of my unit, last month, we discussed how I needed to take more pride in my work. I guess she was thinking that I didn't really care about my assignments because I do them at the last minute. The answer resulted from a question she asked me about my writing and whether my professors have been giving me feedback on my papers. I said that they were, but she wanted to know why I wasn't improving (I've kind of reached a plateau with my grades). For some reason, I've gotten similar responses form other people. They give me this strange look because I'm not super excited about graduate school. My coordinator just gave me this look that said "You don't care?"

When I first started school in August, I thought the world was going to end because I had made it to graduate school. I was very "Oh my God! I'm here. This is so scary!" But as I began to get comfortable with my surroundings, I realized that this whole grad school business is not that bad. In fact, I fell into my routine...to me, writing critiques for my Theory class or typing up a paper discussing a critical issue in student affairs is, well, just homework to me right now. I don't see anything special about it, I don't get what the big deal is. I just simply see it as things I have to learn to get a job. Now...we've talked about "psychic income" in my classes before and how there has got to be that "something else" that makes us feel rewarded at our jobs. I feel like everything I'm learning right now will be relevant in the future when I work with students on a regular basis. But for right now, I just have my assistantship where all I do is cultural programming. And programming, well...I've done that as an RA and during my internship this past summer. I feel like I've improved with planning and creating programs, but it's not something necessarily new to me.

Like I told her during this week's one-on-one, "Everything is just a learning process for me right now", and she wants me to get into the mindset that I have skills, and I can use them (because before I was very hard on myself thinking that I had no special talents or gifts to offer). She asked me about my last critique that I wrote for Theory class and what grade did I get on it. I got a perfect score (my 2nd one the entire semester in that class). She asked me what made the difference in this grade than the ones before. I told her "We've been studying all the different racial identity development models and that's something I know about and that's why I can contribute to class discussion. I'm Hispanic. Multiculturalism has always been a part of my life. Do you know how many moves I've made in my life. From New York, to Puerto Rico, to Texas, to Iowa, and now Illinois. Multiculturalism...I live it. That's what I am". I think she liked that answer :) And well, let's just say, I think I'm totally qualified to be in my assistantship because it is the Diversity Office...and diversity constitutes everything that I've experienced in life so far.

Well, moving along...during my one-on-one meeting with my coordinator, she spent the time asking me about my ideas for practicums and what do I have going on for Finals Week. I have several major papers to write and we talked about the one for my Theory class. The final paper for that class has to deal with us making up our own theory. That seemed to be so complicated to me at the beginning of the semester when I first learned about the project. We have to select a certain population to apply our theory on. My coordinator wanted to know what were my ideas for the paper. I told her I was interested in doing my theory using graduate students for my sample. I said "I feel like in my classes all we ever focus on is on the undergrads, and nobody really ever cares about us grads...I don't know if I'll be able to use grad students for the paper--I have to ask first and make sure the theory we write isn't just about undergrads--and then I have to find a focus because, those who went to grad school straight from undergrad, are different from those who worked for a while and then went to grad school; but I haven't come up with any genius ideas yet".

During the past months, my coordinator has been trying to help me get out of my funk. I explained to her during my one-on-one, I've had a rough semester. You know what? Scratch that. I've had a rough year!!! Seriously, to whomever is reading this...I went from RAing, to finishing my senior classes, to applying to grad schools, searching for assistantships, grad school visits, conferences, multiple interviews, graduation, moving out of the residence hall, moving in with complete strangers during the summer, working full time at my internship this summer (WITHOUT PAY) until the last day I was in Iowa, to moving to Illinois the day after that, starting my assistantship the day after I moved, transitioning into grad school, missing my friends, going back to the undergrad to come back to Illinois heartbroken and depressed, to bouncing back again, and FINALLY understanding why I'm SO LUCKY to be here in graduate school....whew, that was a mouth full! When I meant is was a rough year, it really has been rough.

You see, life is a big trip...and I am in the portion of the ride where I'm making 360 degree turns and going around the loopty loops and ups and downs and spirals...this is a very exciting time in my life, yet very emotionally draining. So I kind of understand why I feel the way I do. I'm just tired (well, exhausted is more like it). I need to get away from all of this for a while. Away from school, work, new friends, old friends, missing my old life as an undergrad. I need time to recharge. Therefore, I'm looking foward to Winter Break and spending some time with my parents in Texas. Can't wait for this semester to be over! But back to my coordinator...

...my coordinator said something very interesting during my one-on-one. She explained that she was very excited to see me feeling more comfortable at this institution. She is also glad that now I have a more optimistic view about being here and about my work in class. I always go around fustrated about my assignments because when I first arrived here...I didn't have an opinion about higher education. I was barely introduced to this field about a year ago, and even so, the only aspect I really know about Student Affairs is Housing. I never thought that my experiences were valuable and so I never contributed any comments or participated in class much. I just didn't have anything to say, and my coordinator knew that I felt that way from the get-go. She tried to encourage me, but I was sticking to my guns. And although, we talk about dualism in my classes and how undergrad students want things in a black or white manner...I guess I keep falling into that concept. I want someone to tell me the right answers, but truth is there is no right or wrong answer. It's just an answer.

Going back to the subject of writing my own theory, my coordinator said that "You talk about having a genius idea, but it really is all about having a genuine idea versus a genius one; because everyone thinks that geniuses were Plato and Socrates, and really, those philosophers were just talking about their ideas and opinions. And I think you have very genuine ideas, you're on the right track". Way to go, boss, for encouraging me! haha. Way to go me! Round of applause. And so that was my "a-ha moment" of the week...I have a genuine idea? An honest and true opinion? I know how to think?! Critically?! Well, what do you know? I guess I did learn something this semester afterall...

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 5

Boy, do we love themes in student affairs. Last week I attended the regional NASPA conference, my first professional conference as a graduate student. The conference was in Tulsa, Oklahoma and the theme was “Weaving Our Way…Creating a Heritage in the Heartland.” I even went to an actual session on Cherokee basket weaving.

The trip got off to a bad start. I had stayed up late the night before watching the elections coverage and doing homework, and slept right through my alarm. Someone had to come to my room to wake me up. How embarrassing! I had four minutes to pack and no time to shower. Luckily, driving through the Midwest lulls you right to sleep. When I arrived at the hotel, my room was not ready and I looked through my bags to discover I had packed two black heels for my right foot and no black heels for my left foot. I also forgot to pack make-up which was becoming increasingly necessary as I could literally feel my face getting uglier from exhaustion and stress. By dinner time, I had a stress rash on my arm which was only stressing me out more. Needless to say, I was in a great mood to start networking.

Networking. It’s a word that’s used in student affairs about as much as icebreaker. And it makes me a little frustrated. While, I’m certainly a people person and I’m not shy, there’s a difference between getting to know people and attempting to shake hands with as many people as possible. Networking sometimes brings out the worst in us—insincerity, pretention, and of course, shameless self-promotion. Isn’t it more important to find good mentors and build close relationships to a few people than to have 50 people think you look “sort-of-familiar” at next year’s conference? I’ll reserve thrusting my right hand into an innocent person’s midsection for self-defense instead of self-promotion.

I realize I’m being more than a little whiny when my experience was actually quite good. Despite getting off to a bad start, forgetting a bunch of things, and having an interesting (and quite possibly crazy) server at a luncheon, I had a great time. I met some outstanding professionals, 30-minute mentors who told great stories including a story about a man who, as a young hall director, had been held up at gun-point by residents, and who asked challenging questions like “What risks have you taken lately?” Many of the sessions were enlightening and all of the speakers were excellent and inspiring.

But perhaps the best part of the conference, other than the heavenly Marriot beds, was the chance it gave to learn more about people from my own institution. After four years at a smaller school where I knew everyone, it’s still difficult to get used to a large school where I know no one. The whole dynamic of the department is much different and it takes a lot longer to get to know people here. I was lucky to have good conversations with other grads who I don’t know very well and professionals who I know even less. To me, those conversations were the most valuable.