Takin' Care of Business #6

In my one-on-one with the coordinator of my unit, last month, we discussed how I needed to take more pride in my work. I guess she was thinking that I didn't really care about my assignments because I do them at the last minute. The answer resulted from a question she asked me about my writing and whether my professors have been giving me feedback on my papers. I said that they were, but she wanted to know why I wasn't improving (I've kind of reached a plateau with my grades). For some reason, I've gotten similar responses form other people. They give me this strange look because I'm not super excited about graduate school. My coordinator just gave me this look that said "You don't care?"

When I first started school in August, I thought the world was going to end because I had made it to graduate school. I was very "Oh my God! I'm here. This is so scary!" But as I began to get comfortable with my surroundings, I realized that this whole grad school business is not that bad. In fact, I fell into my routine...to me, writing critiques for my Theory class or typing up a paper discussing a critical issue in student affairs is, well, just homework to me right now. I don't see anything special about it, I don't get what the big deal is. I just simply see it as things I have to learn to get a job. Now...we've talked about "psychic income" in my classes before and how there has got to be that "something else" that makes us feel rewarded at our jobs. I feel like everything I'm learning right now will be relevant in the future when I work with students on a regular basis. But for right now, I just have my assistantship where all I do is cultural programming. And programming, well...I've done that as an RA and during my internship this past summer. I feel like I've improved with planning and creating programs, but it's not something necessarily new to me.

Like I told her during this week's one-on-one, "Everything is just a learning process for me right now", and she wants me to get into the mindset that I have skills, and I can use them (because before I was very hard on myself thinking that I had no special talents or gifts to offer). She asked me about my last critique that I wrote for Theory class and what grade did I get on it. I got a perfect score (my 2nd one the entire semester in that class). She asked me what made the difference in this grade than the ones before. I told her "We've been studying all the different racial identity development models and that's something I know about and that's why I can contribute to class discussion. I'm Hispanic. Multiculturalism has always been a part of my life. Do you know how many moves I've made in my life. From New York, to Puerto Rico, to Texas, to Iowa, and now Illinois. Multiculturalism...I live it. That's what I am". I think she liked that answer :) And well, let's just say, I think I'm totally qualified to be in my assistantship because it is the Diversity Office...and diversity constitutes everything that I've experienced in life so far.

Well, moving along...during my one-on-one meeting with my coordinator, she spent the time asking me about my ideas for practicums and what do I have going on for Finals Week. I have several major papers to write and we talked about the one for my Theory class. The final paper for that class has to deal with us making up our own theory. That seemed to be so complicated to me at the beginning of the semester when I first learned about the project. We have to select a certain population to apply our theory on. My coordinator wanted to know what were my ideas for the paper. I told her I was interested in doing my theory using graduate students for my sample. I said "I feel like in my classes all we ever focus on is on the undergrads, and nobody really ever cares about us grads...I don't know if I'll be able to use grad students for the paper--I have to ask first and make sure the theory we write isn't just about undergrads--and then I have to find a focus because, those who went to grad school straight from undergrad, are different from those who worked for a while and then went to grad school; but I haven't come up with any genius ideas yet".

During the past months, my coordinator has been trying to help me get out of my funk. I explained to her during my one-on-one, I've had a rough semester. You know what? Scratch that. I've had a rough year!!! Seriously, to whomever is reading this...I went from RAing, to finishing my senior classes, to applying to grad schools, searching for assistantships, grad school visits, conferences, multiple interviews, graduation, moving out of the residence hall, moving in with complete strangers during the summer, working full time at my internship this summer (WITHOUT PAY) until the last day I was in Iowa, to moving to Illinois the day after that, starting my assistantship the day after I moved, transitioning into grad school, missing my friends, going back to the undergrad to come back to Illinois heartbroken and depressed, to bouncing back again, and FINALLY understanding why I'm SO LUCKY to be here in graduate school....whew, that was a mouth full! When I meant is was a rough year, it really has been rough.

You see, life is a big trip...and I am in the portion of the ride where I'm making 360 degree turns and going around the loopty loops and ups and downs and spirals...this is a very exciting time in my life, yet very emotionally draining. So I kind of understand why I feel the way I do. I'm just tired (well, exhausted is more like it). I need to get away from all of this for a while. Away from school, work, new friends, old friends, missing my old life as an undergrad. I need time to recharge. Therefore, I'm looking foward to Winter Break and spending some time with my parents in Texas. Can't wait for this semester to be over! But back to my coordinator...

...my coordinator said something very interesting during my one-on-one. She explained that she was very excited to see me feeling more comfortable at this institution. She is also glad that now I have a more optimistic view about being here and about my work in class. I always go around fustrated about my assignments because when I first arrived here...I didn't have an opinion about higher education. I was barely introduced to this field about a year ago, and even so, the only aspect I really know about Student Affairs is Housing. I never thought that my experiences were valuable and so I never contributed any comments or participated in class much. I just didn't have anything to say, and my coordinator knew that I felt that way from the get-go. She tried to encourage me, but I was sticking to my guns. And although, we talk about dualism in my classes and how undergrad students want things in a black or white manner...I guess I keep falling into that concept. I want someone to tell me the right answers, but truth is there is no right or wrong answer. It's just an answer.

Going back to the subject of writing my own theory, my coordinator said that "You talk about having a genius idea, but it really is all about having a genuine idea versus a genius one; because everyone thinks that geniuses were Plato and Socrates, and really, those philosophers were just talking about their ideas and opinions. And I think you have very genuine ideas, you're on the right track". Way to go, boss, for encouraging me! haha. Way to go me! Round of applause. And so that was my "a-ha moment" of the week...I have a genuine idea? An honest and true opinion? I know how to think?! Critically?! Well, what do you know? I guess I did learn something this semester afterall...