Takin' Care of Business # 2

At the beginning of my arrival to my graduate institution, I was completely miserable. I really wanted to go back to the town where my undergrad was located at; and even though that town is far far away from my family, it's MY home. I'm still far from my family's town, but I miss MY home. The first 4 weeks of being at the new university was quite awful. I cried all the time. I called people back at the undergrad just to talk. I always felt so lonely. The thing is...the last day I was at MY home, I didn't see "tomorrow" happening. I went into this moment of denial, and moving day was not happening in my head. And then "tomorrow" came and I moved, but it just wasn't clicking that I was going to be at the new place permanently. As that first week went by, I started to realize I was alone. It's really strange to move out of the dorms, to an apartment with strangers, to an apartment by yourself. I'm so used to having people walk by my door, knock on my door, and even bang my door (like my residents used to do when I was an RA). My grad apartment is small, old, and empty. I have no furniture whatsoever. Everything looked really sad to me because I was sad. Classes began and I was off to a rocky start, and if you read my previous post it was starting to get better just recently (barely getting there, but hey...it's happening, right?). It struck me one day after revising the "philosophy of ME" (again, story of my previous post) that I needed to change my attitude about being here at the new place. This entire first month of grad school I felt like a part of me had died when I left MY home. It was really hard to admit that to myself, let alone to other people. I've always been a happy-go-lucky type of girl. But how did I get to become such a Debbie Downer? In order to regain my sanity back and to start living again...I needed to give this place a chance, but most of all I needed to be patient. I have the opportunity of a lifetime to get an education--paid for, and I'm complaining? What is my problem?! And with that being said, I took each day at a time; one foot in front of the other thinking that "I CAN do this" because that's how I had to be takin' care of business (sorry, I had to plug my title in somewhere).

Last week my world began to shift...

On Monday, I had to give a presentation on a project I made. The assignment was to photograph a location or territory of my campus and demonstrate how that space affects students and their development through the photos. My project was on a residence hall, and though we had a minimum requirement of 12 photos, I think I put like 30 pictures on my tri-fold. As my classmates approached my project, I would give my little speech about it. My professor happens to walk by during one of my speeches and listens in. She looked at my project and asked me 2 questions, and said "You've really captured it..." and she walked away. It was the best feeling ever! I finally did something right in class. I was quite excited, and that set the mood of the rest of the week for me. On Wednesdays, I have a Theory class, and it is really hard. When I came out of class one night, 2 other girls and I were talking about our struggles in class and we found ourselves in the same boat. As we continued to talk for the next 3 hours, we found out alot of things in common with each other. One of them expressed how she doesn't really have other girls to talk to (like the way she was talking to us). Since then, we hang out after class for a bit and talk. This is really exciting for me because I'm finally starting to make friends (a month later, but finally!).

This past weekend, my assistantship office took some students on a retreat to discuss diversity. I was looking foward to going, but little did I know that it would complete my awesome week. At my assistantship I don't get an opportunity to interact much with different students. At the retreat, I got to talk to international students, grad students, and undergrad students. I got to talk about my experiences with diversity, and I also got to answer questions that some students had about my ethnicity and where did I grow up at. I also got to contribute parts of my culture such as music and dance during our free times throughout the weekend. Everyone had a fun time. Yesterday as I was walking to class, I saw students that I recognized from the retreat, as well as students who work at my assistantship office and those who always come to visit the office. I found myself waving hello to people across campus and many of the Latino, African American, International, and Caucasian students were flagging me down to give me a hug. It's been about a month since I last hugged someone...now my new friends and students are offering hugs to me and it's something I really needed.

And so...I'm starting to be recognized on campus by my students. I feel like it's all starting to connect (the campus and me), like everything is falling into place the way it should be, and that I'm returning to my happy-go-lucky self again. All harmony has been restored in my universe and the world is as it should be :) ...Well, at least for this week...

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 2

Ok so I’m kind of freaking out.

I got an email a few weeks ago about the federal loans I took out as an undergrad. I briefly looked at it and decided to deal with it later. Well, later snuck up on me and I thought I’d take some time this Sunday afternoon to get a few personal things sorted out, including this loan thing.

It turns out I owe the government enough money to buy a fairly decent new car. This equates to payments of $200 a month for the next 10 years.

10 years.

I will be 32 in ten years.

There is a very distinct yucky feeling in my stomach. I wasn’t even in high school ten years ago. Where will I be ten years from now?

It feels like a very big responsibility to have an additional $200 payment to make every month for the next one-hundred-and-twenty months. This must be what it feels like to buy a new car. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to buy a house.

And $200 is a lot of money. I know it might not seem like it to some people, but $200 is a fourth of what I make every month. And I liked in better when I could spend that money on things like shoes. Two-hundred dollars a month is about $6.67 a day. That money could buy one meal every day. I guess it’s a good thing I skip breakfast because from now on I won’t be able to afford it.

I always tell people that financial difficulties should not be a reason for not attending college. While it is important to invest in your education, I’m starting to realize that money matters a lot more than I thought.

When I first applied to schools, I only applied to a large, public school in my state. I had great ACT scores and a perfect GPA. I ended up deciding that large school was too expensive and attending a smaller, regional school. Unfortunately, I applied too late to receive any scholarships and had to rely on financial aid. Now, I’m upset at myself for not applying to more schools and trying to get more scholarships.

Still, my loan is only a fraction of what some students pay. The university I worked at this summer cost about $40,000 to attend each year. That’s $160,000 dollars for a bachelor’s degree. And I know someone who is going to a prestigious medical school that will end up costing about $360,000. Payments on a loan like that would be $3,000 a month for ten years. And that doesn’t even include interest payments.

I have the option to defer payments until I’m out of grad school, but I don’t think I will. While it would be nice to wait until I have a larger salary, 34 sounds a whole lot older than 32 and I don’t want to be in debt any longer than I have to.

I wish there was a deferment option on this whole growing up thing. I’d like to wait just five more years until I have to be on my own, please.

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory

DISCLAIMER: I have a very eclectic taste in music that includes classic rock, punk rock, even the occasional Britney Spears song. But mostly, I love hip hop. My current favorite is that David Banner “Have you ever seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors?” song and my ring tone is usually Chris Brown (because who doesn’t like to dance every time someone calls?). But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m a closet country music fan. None of that honky tonk stuff. Just the newer stuff of the Carrie Underwood-Keith Urban-Taylor Swift persuasion. Please don’t tell anyone.

Have you ever felt like a song was written for you? Well I’m pretty sure most of Carrie Underwood’s songs were written for me. Seriously. I remember listening to Carrie (yes, we’re on a first name basis) when I was moving to a new apartment at a new school in August. And in August, I was certain “The Night Before (Life Goes On)” was about my life.

Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10
Baton Rouge, LSU
18 years in her rearview
He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block
At daddy's shop
It ain't much but it’s a job
They've been dreading this moment all summer long
The night before
Life goes on.

Yes, it was pretty much EXACTLY my situation. Except I wasn’t headed to Louisiana. And my boyfriend was moving to China, not staying at home and working for his father. And, of course, I’m 22. Still, I listened to Track 5 and I cried the whole way.

But as Carrie promised, life goes on and pretty soon I was dancing to a new beat. Specifically, “Starts with Goodbye”:

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

The beginning of graduate school really did start with saying goodbye to all of my friends and my small, regional university. I had to let go of a lot of things that I loved as an undergrad and at first it did break me down. It was incredibly difficult to transition from knowing everyone to knowing no one. I didn’t make strong connections to any of the other new grads right away and worst of all I didn’t feel like myself. I’m usually outgoing, gregarious, and fun but throughout training I was very reserved. I felt unsure about supervising a group of undergraduates who knew more about the school than I did and I worried about being in a building that is larger than a lot of towns in this state.

It’s been about a month and things are starting to change. I went back to my undergrad school last weekend and saw a bunch of friends. It was nice but at the same time it wasn’t quite the same. It was kind of like the first time you hang out with your high school friends after being away at college. You change. They change. And eventually you realize that it’s ok. Because like Carrie says, sometimes we have to say goodbye to people and things we love to move on with our lives.

It feels good to be back here after a weekend away. My tiny apartment in my gigantic building is starting to feel like home. There will be bad days but I’m thankful to be working toward a master’s degree in a field I love. I’m learning to be myself in this new place and trying to make the most of this experience. There’s even a Carrie song for that. “So Small” reminds me not to get caught up in the little things and to make the most of my experience here, which shouldn’t be hard considering housing is a 24-hour job most days. Here’s a little more Carrie wisdom:

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

I know. I know. It’s a lot of Carrie Underwood. But seriously, you should listen to her albums. There’s even a song about some of our undergrads. It’s called “Wasted.” There’s probably a song about you, too.

All the connections I’ve been making between music and life makes me wonder if I’m going into the right career. Maybe I should be pursuing Music Therapy instead of working with college students. Or maybe I could do both. I could use music for judicial hearings, sort of like penance. Noise complaint? Listen to this 10 times. Roommate conflict? Check these out. And when everyone starts modeling my cutting edge Music Judicial Model I’ll say it’s all thanks to Carrie.

"Takin' Care of Business"...

Before I start writing about my experiences for the whole world to see, I just wanted to introduce myself properly and give all of you reading this a bit of background on what I've been up to.

First of all, I'm currently starting my first year of graduate school as I prepare to obtain my Master's Degree in College Student Personnel Administration. I barely finished my Bachelor's Degree about a month ago; I was working on a 9 credit hour internship this summer that started the week after school was over and continued until my last day in the state (400 hours of free labor). I had no vacation whatsoever this year. I worked until 6:30 p.m. of July 30th, went home to pack all of my belongings, and the next day I moved to the next bordering state, and the day after I started my graduate assistantship training. I know, I know...BUSY! But sometimes you need to be takin' care of business...

I got an amazing assistantship at my graduate institution working with cultural programming and helping students of underrepresented groups. However, the entire experience of starting grad school hasn't been all peaches and cream. I like to contribute this due to my feelings of nostalgia towards my undergraduate institution. I miss it so much because I was very happy with my life there (an occurence that has never really happened to me before).

It has been no secret that I have been going through a difficult transition. Graduate school has not been easy in these initial weeks. I have spoken to several friends who are going through their first weeks of graduate classes at different campuses across the United States. Everyone has been feeling the same way I have. The second week of school I was asked to write about my Philosophy on Higher Education. Week #2 and we're already writing papers? And not just any paper, but my philosophy statement? I was so distraught on writing this paper. I typed for hours about things I thought students needed. I tried to base these on situations I encountered and issues I saw my peers face. But as much as I wrote, nothing made sense. I could not articulate one intelligent thought or make it a concrete one. I suddenly found myself lost, and decided to call up the one person who I knew could give me an answer: my academic advisor at my undergrad.

My undergrad academic advisor has been my rock throughout this entire process of me becoming an adult. When she answered the phone very excited because she hadn't heard from me in a while. I told her "You didn't tell me that I needed to have an opinion when I got into grad school". As I explained my writer's block woes to her, I went to explain how tough my first two weeks had gone. I sit in class very confused the majority of the time. I listen intently to what my classmates have to say. I feel incompetent sitting next to them because I can't think of anything clever, or smart, or brilliant to say. I barely learned about the field of Student Affairs just last summer (a year ago) as I went through Resident Assistant training. I didn't think I would need to have an opinion formed on it already. I thought I was going to grad school to learn more about the field, and then develop my ideas and mold that opinion. She asked me about the things I believed in. She prompted me on several topics that she knew were important to me like diversity, getting involved, and the fact that I love school and I think everyone should experience it. She asked "Well, aren't those things that you believe in?", and I said "Yeah, sure, of course. I'm very passionate about diversity, and student groups, and just college in general". And she says "There you go. That's a philosophy". And I said, "Really?" She explained to me that philosophies are ideals that you believe in, that it's your opinion.

Needless to say, I finished that paper on the nick of time. I even got a chance to revise, too! I told my undergrad academic advisor about my fears of grad school, that since I've started, I feel like I'm not cut out for this anymore. I asked her "Why did I decide to do this? Just last Fall we were sitting in your office talking about making that next step. Why did I take it?" And she told me "Do you think I would have encouraged you to go to grad school if I didn't think that you could do it?" I said "I don't know anymore! I can't do this; Maybe you were wrong about me". She then told me, "You can do this. You've gotten this far, ok? You got the BA under your belt. This is just another step. You CAN do this". And so, I've been pondering on that phone call for the past several days, and the one thing I realized is that not only did I need to revise my philosophy on higher education, but I needed to revise the philosophy of myself. I need to believe in ME...