Takin' Care of Business #7

For today's blog I'm saying what I need to say through music. A song that applies to me..."Do you know where you're going to?" (Theme song from the movie "Mohogany" sung by Diana Ross)...with side commentaries by me (on a review of my first semester in graduate school).

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?
* First of all, the decision to attend graduate school wasn't made until Senior Year, and I had no clue what I wanted to study. I figured that grad school was just something that you just go to. It was like whe I decided to go to college. I just did. I didn't think about it. It was not a choice to go or not go for me. It was something natural. Grad school felt that way. I ended up at this school out of a random chance, and out of necessity. Though I look at how these past 6 months of my life have been, and how completely miserable I felt then to what I feel now, I think I've made some progress. I was completely happy with my life back at the undergrad...and I didn't like what life was showing me here at grad school. Two different worlds, two different mindsets, one purpose: education.

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?
* I thought that by going to a new state and a new school that would help me learn new things. I didn't understand this semester why learning had to be so hard. I was hoping to make new friends right away because that's just part of my personality. I meet people left and right on a daily basis because it comes easy to me. Coming to the new school, I became shy and introverted. I don't know how that happened. The strange thing was that I didn't feel like myself. I told my close friends that I felt like a part of me died when I left the undergrad. I have so many good memories attached there. I truly did find who I was by being there, and so moving to this new place (which was not my first grad school choice) really brought some emotions into perspective. Things I had never felt before because I had no particular reason to feel those things. Anger, agony, loneliness, solitude...I didn't get what I was hoping for immediately, it was gradual. Like the whole world moved on, but without me. I did make friends, and built a support system, and I know my way around campus...things are getting easier. That closed door is cracked open now.

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you but my spirit was free
Laughin' at the questions that you once asked of me
* Last year, when I was an RA, I met the best 12 individuals ever. We all quickly became friends and it seemed like we had known each other forever. I spent my whole life searching for a place to belong, and I found it at the undergrad with the other RAs. Never thought I would have a "crew" or "posse" or "clique" or whatever it is that kids are calling it these days. It was all a fantasy. That's what it seems like now. Everything went by so quickly this year. I thought I'd be super close to all of them once I was gone. But as distance has separated many of us from each other, friendships have seemed to weaken. I still love them all very much and miss them on a daily basis. Small things will spark a memory like a song on the radio, or watching someone dance, or a silly word. But sometimes, we have to make choices that we don't want to make. Ergo: me going to grad school far away. I knew that going away was going to bring me new experiences, and help me grow as a person. There is that part of me that is always looking for a new adventure...which is why I'm here today. My conscience sometimes asks me: "You are done with your first semester of grad school. What are you going to do next?!" And I think about it and answer "?!" Honestly, I don't know, but I hope to find out along the way. Spontaneity...that's my style :)

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?
*I'm not sure of how happy I am with my life right now. Graduate school has really turned me into a different person. I mentioned before how I feel like a part of me died. I know I feel different. I don't get the same kick out of things like I used to, or smile as much. And yes, I know that sounds very depressing (but I don't have a "problem"...my depressive state has passed). But maybe this is what it feels like to grow up. This is what happens when you're alone, and you have many responsibilities, and you worry about making the rent...it's adulthood. I don't like going out to party much now, I can't stay up all night like I did way back when, I get tired by 10:30 p.m. I'm different now. I'm a grown up, unfortunately. Laws of nature. It's what happens.

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we'll see
How sad the answers to those questions can be
*Another thing, I guess I should mention is my family life. I haven't talked much about it because I'm never home. I haven't been home since early January. I will be leaving to go home to Texas in about a week and a half. I'm very excited to see my parents. I just think of how this year has flown by, and that last time I was home was last Winter Break, and here we are again...another December, anxiously waiting for it to be the 16th. Excited to see my mom's face when she sees that I came to surprise her for her birthday. She is turning 78! (Side note: I was adopted by elders when I was 9 months old; my family is not biologically related to me). I was talking with my sister (the actual biological child--she is 48--I'm 22--Big age gap) the other day, and she was telling me how she's noticed how my parents are slowly deteriorating. My mom is getting moodier and losing her patience, as well as having more physical problems like her hearing and mobility. She says my dad is doing the same. His hearing is starting to go, and he is getting more mellow. I've noticed when I talk to my dad how he is always saying how much he loves me, and that he's glad I called and how much he enjoys hearing from me, and he even started to make ammends with my other estranged sister (she is also adopted--I'm not related to her either). And it makes me wonder if dad is approaching his death bed, and doesn't want to tell anyone. But this behavior of his, of making ammends and being more caring now (things he never did before), is really freaking me out. I now that getting old is something that happens...it's nature...we're all going to go through it. But I don't want to see my parents die slowly. I always wonder what is it going to be like if one day I called my house and mom or dad didn't know who I was, or worse...if I came home for Break and they didn't recognize me...and worse than that, that I'll get the call while I'm at school, that one of them is in the hospital. It's another pressure that's added onto me besides school, my assistantship, and building the social network. And if something were to happen, it would really crush me. I have dreams that my parents will be there when I get married and be a part of my children's lives...but I'm lucky if they'll make it to my Master's graduation.

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?
* Where am I headed now? Well, another semester of grad school is underway. I'm 1/4 of the way done with this journey. I will soon be looking for practicum sites with NODA and ACUHO-I for the summer. Many applications are due beginning January, so now during Break I have something to focus on completely and I won't have to worry about studying for classes for a while. Hopefully, I will get to be somewhere fun and learning conducive. Also, I'm hoping my financial woes get figured out soon. I'm going to apply for a student loan because I can't make ends meet with my stipend from my assistantship. Overall, I'm looking foward to 2009. But I have to say, 2008 was a GREAT YEAR! 2009 has a tough act to follow :)

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?
*What am I hoping for in 2009: an exciting practicum experience for the summer, trying to make a difference at my assistanship, work on my study habits, getting involved on campus (join a group for fun so I can make new friends), and start living healthier (getting enough sleep, stressing less, not skipping meals, etc.)

And that ladies and gents is my analysis of the song and how it applies to me. Check out the song sometime. It's very pretty (almost reminds me of opening a wind-up jewelry box with a ballerina in it that twirls). It's a very light melody and has a nostalgic air to it. Hope you enjoy it :)