It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 8

The first time I stayed in a dorm was my sophomore year of high school. I went to a journalism camp (yes, I was a huge newspaper geek) at the University of Missouri. The dorm was everything I had hoped it would be with its community bathrooms, uncomfortable twin beds, and bats (not the baseball kind). I was still dreaming of winning Pulitzers and had no idea the role this type of building would play in my life.

Two years later, I moved away to college and into the Honors/Scholars dorm. I lived in a room by myself and shared the suite with my RA. It turned out that I was the only honors student on a floor of late admit students. It was a year to remember. Everyone on my floor was either drunk or naked most of the time and I think I remember two programs that my RA did. One was a scavenger hunt and the other involved making quesadillas.

Everything would change my sophomore year. I became an RA and learned all about planning programs, being on duty, working the desk, and of course the difference between a residence hall and a dormitory. I also learned that in residence life, we have the best stories. I’ll always remember:

My first alcohol bust. The room had a tent set up in it and a cooler full of beer. I’m still friends with the guy I busted.

Floor feuding. My first year as an RA my residents feuded with another floor in the building and kept playing pranks like putting trashcans of water against people’s doors. They had a particularly nasty vendetta against the RA on that floor and loved to break policies while she was on duty. She had recorded a CD and some of my residents got a hold of it, played it very loudly, and called in their own noise complaint so she would have to confront them. In the spring, there was a lice outbreak on that floor and I returned home to find that my residents had made posters with louse drawings and sayings like, “Bitches get itches.” I tried very hard not to laugh as I scolded my residents and confiscated the posters.

Those crazy boys. My second year as an RA I had a floor of almost all guys. They were great and I got to be very good friends with several of them. One night, I got a call that there was blood all over the building. A minute later, two guys knocked on my door and asked if I had a band-aid. I put two and two together and figured out that my resident (obviously drunk) was responsible for the blood in the hall. He helped me figure it out by getting it all over my bedroom and bathroom. He had punched a glass door on the second floor because he was upset about a girl.

My staffs. Every year I thought I had the best staff and every year it just got better. From a silly initiation ceremony we made up one year in the laundry room to all-nighters and RA parties, a lot of the people I was on staff with are still my best friends.

My first semester as Hall Director has just given me more great stories. From crazy residents to my first real fire, I already have a lot of hilarious (and scary) memories. I’m seriously considering pitching a reality TV show to MTV. It could be called “The Dorm” and feature the staff of a residence hall. We wouldn’t even need to fake the drama.

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 7

After seventeen years in school I guess old habits die hard. I mean, I tried to be a better student this semester. I started off strong, taking my Hello Kitty notebooks to class and keeping detailed notes. I even was up-to-date on the class reading for a while. But sometime between the first fire alarm in my building and the annual Christmas party at a professor’s house, I lost a little bit of that drive. So, of course, last week was the academic week from hell.

Against all the incessant urgings of my know-it-all (in an annoying big brother type of way) coworker, I decided to co-write a paper for my history class. I probably wouldn’t have written the paper with anyone else, but my best friend in the program asked me to so I decided to give it a shot. Honestly, we started earlier together than either of us would have started alone. Regardless, we stayed up until 5 a.m. on Saturday, slept, then got back up and worked for a whopping 29 hours straight finishing the paper. On the plus side: I learned a lot, I ate breakfast at IHOP. I can now say I’ve been up at 7 a.m. for a reason other than a fire alarm, AND our paper wasn’t half bad. Now I’m just hoping for that A so I can give my coworker a big, fat “I told you so!”

I was up again just two days later working on a paper for my Intro class. But, the worst of all was finishing a semester-long group project to build our very own college. I’ve never really hated group work. Until now. There was a non-traditional grad in our group who liked to butt heads with everyone, especially me. We would decide on an idea as a group and later, she would try and explain why it was a bad idea and her idea was better. She also liked to have input on everyone else’s ideas (usually negative). And of course, what would a great group member be without a little bit of a controlling streak? Anyway, at least she worked hard. And the professor has already turned in our grades so I’m happy to say my first grade in grad school is an A. I earned it in this class for sure. I’m just crossing my fingers for no more group work.

So the week was stressful and I probably gained about 10 pounds from all the pizza I consumed, but I still learned a lot. I learned that I can work really well in the right group or the wrong group even though one is way more frustrating than the other. More importantly, I learned where the library is on campus and how to navigate its 900 floors. I also learned that grad students can check out library books for four months at a time, slightly disturbing if you know my track record with overdue library books.

Despite having a better understanding of the Dewey Decimal System, APA style, and the local pizza scene, I’m still planning to put “be a better student” at the top of my list of goals for 2009. Maybe it will work this time around.

Takin' Care of Business #9

Oh finals week....
The most dreaded time of the year.

I know that a major in Student Affairs/Higher Ed Administration/Higher Ed Policy...the numerous names for what we do...we have lots of papers and projects. However, I didn't have any tests this semester. That is one of the weird things of this new academic adventure of grad school. I haven't had any tests. No more multiple choice, fill in the blanks, or True and False questions. Just lots of essays...short ones, long ones, research papers worth. It's odd. I am getting used to this writing a paper every week thing. And I'm amazed at my becoming a scholarly writer.

So my finals were pretty smooth this semester...2 major papers, and 2 presentations. The papers killed me. I stressed alot about it. Writing something, deleting it after, thinking that my ideas weren't good enough. But I pulled through. The grades for my 3 classes were posted today: 2 A's and a B. I was so proud of myself. I worked hard. I cried. I complained. I whined. I stressed. I prevailed :) and all harmony is restored in the universe and the world is as it should be once more.

Anyways, during Thanksgiving Break I worked on my papers, day in and night out, and as I was hyped on caffeine (and because lack of sleep makes me a bit delusional) I came up with a little song to describe finals week. It snowed that day and I got into the Holiday cheer, so I came up with my own version of "My Favorite Things" (a song made popular by Julie Andrews in the film The Sound of Music--which I always wonder why they make this a Holiday song, when in the scene where the song is performed it's not the Holidays). So enjoy my rendition called "Grad school things"...



Research, and essays, and Microsoft Word
Typing ideas that need to be heard
So in the library, now I will sing...
This is just one of those grad school things

It's snowing outside, and there's no more sun
I want to go play, it looks like it's fun
But back to my readings, a loud whistle rings
This is just one of those grad school things

(Chorus)
When this week's done, I'll go party
I won't feel so bad
I simply remember these dreaded things
and realize I'm a grad :)

Group work, and teamwork, and work just for me
Mountains of paper are all that I see
Check-out some books, a bell will go "ding"
This is just one of those grad school things

Projects, presenting, and just passing by
If I fail one class, I think I would cry
Finals are here, so cut off my strings
This is just one of those grad school things

(Chorus)
When this week's done, I'll go party
I won't feel so bad
I simply remember these dreaded things
and realize I'm a grad :)

Takin' Care of Business #8

So, this is a little something I wrote on facebook.com a few weeks ago about how I saw life going through graduate school. I've been keeping a sort of blog there too about my new adventures for my friends to keep up with me back at the undeegrad. I call my little notes "Life Lessons" because I like to see everyday situations as an educational component to my life. It is so worth it to wake up in the mornings when you know you learned something about life. This is an analogy, so bare with me. I was trying to make a point. Hope it makes sense to all of you who read this blog...I named this one "Life--> A Different type of Road Trip"


There comes a time in your life when you start to realize that dwelling on the past is making your present a bit gray. Gray is not a fun color. I should know. I'm going into Student Affairs as my career.

Gray means unknown.

Gray is a place where ideas are muddled and unclear and everything is just confusing and complicated....ah, gray...it's so fustrating and annoying.

It's like driving in a snow storm. You can't see what's 5 feet in front of you and you're in a hurry to get home where it's warm and secure, and as fast as you try to go, you know that for your safety you have to take it slow; and even then, it feels like your tires are getting stuck in mounds of snow and you hit the brakes just a little because you feel unsure and you just start skidding on some ice...and then [CRASH!] there was another car ahead of you.

OK, so I painted that story a bit grim...but knowing that winter is coming up sooner than later, I thought I should take a bit of time to tell you all to be safe on the road. Anyways, back to the car anology...

Sometimes we find oursleves hitting the cruise control button in life, and just sailing through things. You're comfortable with cruise control. You get to enjoy more things out of life when you're sailing, like there is enough time to savor every moment. And then you realize, that you have to hit the breaks every now and then because you're afraid you will miss your exit.

I was comfortable with cruise control. Being an undergraduate student...that was the life! Going to class, chilling with my roomies, or hanging out with my sorority sisters. It was smooth sailing. But because my exit was coming up soon, I had to get a bit serious and pay attention to my road signs.

Oh wait! I have a detour..."Going to graduate school".

So here I am on another road, making my way onto a new adventure in my life. And suddenly, cruise control won't work anymore. As much as I try to speed up through this strange street that I like to call "Present day", trying to find a new way is becoming gray. The car is low on gas and my wallet is empty. And I wonder "Should I turn around and drive back?"

But here I am...stuck in a field.
No help for miles.
Cell phone isn't picking up a signal.
GPS doesn't recognize the area.
So what's a girl to do?

I realized the other day, that life was one big road trip. I still have alot of road to cover ahead of me. And as much as I want to drive back to my cruise control scenario, where life was smooth sailing...I can't. You know, you learn to drive when you're young, you get in your first accident, or you get a flat tire, or you forgot to fill up the gas tank, or in my case you filled up but [forgot to screw the cap back on]...you learn form those mistakes. And you become a better driver. And as much planning that you may do, with the GPS and the road map...sometimes the GPS doesn't have all the current information on traffic (this is worse when the weather is bad and then you get no sattelite signal). And just maybe you're not experienced in reading road maps. Maybe you took the wrong turn.

The point is: make the most out of that trip. Enjoy the ride. Put the radio on. Sing at the top of your lungs (no one is around for miles to hear you). OK, so you may be deserted in a field, but then you have to realize you have the skills within you to move on and to get yourself out of there. All the things you learned on the roads behind you should have equipped you to get by to the nearest rest area.

In the end, the trip is always worth making because you will have learned something from those mishaps. And if you really want to get where you want to be, you can't go second guessing yourself and always be asking if you should turn around and drive back to cruise control. Time doesn't work like that. You can't go back in time. You can remember it, so you can learn from it for future reference. But you can't do it over.

So, I may not find an exit for a while. But I'm gonna keep going until I find the exit to get out of my detour.

Then I'll find another road to another destination, and maybe then...it might be a smooth ride afterall (maybe cruise control may work again, but if it doesn't I always have my foot to control the pedal...so it's just as good). Who knows? There might be a car stuck on the side of the road, and I can help them. Because you'll never know what little surprises you may find ahead. Maybe the person in the car who is stuck may turn out to be a very special person later on in the rest of your trip. Maybe because you helped them, they'll help someone else down the road. A pay it foward sort of deal.

For those of you stuck in a field...get back in the car...and keep going.

Oh hey! There's a sign...."Gas station 10 miles".

See? Something good was coming ahead.

Takin' Care of Business #7

For today's blog I'm saying what I need to say through music. A song that applies to me..."Do you know where you're going to?" (Theme song from the movie "Mohogany" sung by Diana Ross)...with side commentaries by me (on a review of my first semester in graduate school).

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?
* First of all, the decision to attend graduate school wasn't made until Senior Year, and I had no clue what I wanted to study. I figured that grad school was just something that you just go to. It was like whe I decided to go to college. I just did. I didn't think about it. It was not a choice to go or not go for me. It was something natural. Grad school felt that way. I ended up at this school out of a random chance, and out of necessity. Though I look at how these past 6 months of my life have been, and how completely miserable I felt then to what I feel now, I think I've made some progress. I was completely happy with my life back at the undergrad...and I didn't like what life was showing me here at grad school. Two different worlds, two different mindsets, one purpose: education.

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?
* I thought that by going to a new state and a new school that would help me learn new things. I didn't understand this semester why learning had to be so hard. I was hoping to make new friends right away because that's just part of my personality. I meet people left and right on a daily basis because it comes easy to me. Coming to the new school, I became shy and introverted. I don't know how that happened. The strange thing was that I didn't feel like myself. I told my close friends that I felt like a part of me died when I left the undergrad. I have so many good memories attached there. I truly did find who I was by being there, and so moving to this new place (which was not my first grad school choice) really brought some emotions into perspective. Things I had never felt before because I had no particular reason to feel those things. Anger, agony, loneliness, solitude...I didn't get what I was hoping for immediately, it was gradual. Like the whole world moved on, but without me. I did make friends, and built a support system, and I know my way around campus...things are getting easier. That closed door is cracked open now.

Once we were standing still in time
Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds
You knew how I loved you but my spirit was free
Laughin' at the questions that you once asked of me
* Last year, when I was an RA, I met the best 12 individuals ever. We all quickly became friends and it seemed like we had known each other forever. I spent my whole life searching for a place to belong, and I found it at the undergrad with the other RAs. Never thought I would have a "crew" or "posse" or "clique" or whatever it is that kids are calling it these days. It was all a fantasy. That's what it seems like now. Everything went by so quickly this year. I thought I'd be super close to all of them once I was gone. But as distance has separated many of us from each other, friendships have seemed to weaken. I still love them all very much and miss them on a daily basis. Small things will spark a memory like a song on the radio, or watching someone dance, or a silly word. But sometimes, we have to make choices that we don't want to make. Ergo: me going to grad school far away. I knew that going away was going to bring me new experiences, and help me grow as a person. There is that part of me that is always looking for a new adventure...which is why I'm here today. My conscience sometimes asks me: "You are done with your first semester of grad school. What are you going to do next?!" And I think about it and answer "?!" Honestly, I don't know, but I hope to find out along the way. Spontaneity...that's my style :)

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?
*I'm not sure of how happy I am with my life right now. Graduate school has really turned me into a different person. I mentioned before how I feel like a part of me died. I know I feel different. I don't get the same kick out of things like I used to, or smile as much. And yes, I know that sounds very depressing (but I don't have a "problem"...my depressive state has passed). But maybe this is what it feels like to grow up. This is what happens when you're alone, and you have many responsibilities, and you worry about making the rent...it's adulthood. I don't like going out to party much now, I can't stay up all night like I did way back when, I get tired by 10:30 p.m. I'm different now. I'm a grown up, unfortunately. Laws of nature. It's what happens.

Now looking back at all we've planned
We let so many dreams just slip through our hands
Why must we wait so long before we'll see
How sad the answers to those questions can be
*Another thing, I guess I should mention is my family life. I haven't talked much about it because I'm never home. I haven't been home since early January. I will be leaving to go home to Texas in about a week and a half. I'm very excited to see my parents. I just think of how this year has flown by, and that last time I was home was last Winter Break, and here we are again...another December, anxiously waiting for it to be the 16th. Excited to see my mom's face when she sees that I came to surprise her for her birthday. She is turning 78! (Side note: I was adopted by elders when I was 9 months old; my family is not biologically related to me). I was talking with my sister (the actual biological child--she is 48--I'm 22--Big age gap) the other day, and she was telling me how she's noticed how my parents are slowly deteriorating. My mom is getting moodier and losing her patience, as well as having more physical problems like her hearing and mobility. She says my dad is doing the same. His hearing is starting to go, and he is getting more mellow. I've noticed when I talk to my dad how he is always saying how much he loves me, and that he's glad I called and how much he enjoys hearing from me, and he even started to make ammends with my other estranged sister (she is also adopted--I'm not related to her either). And it makes me wonder if dad is approaching his death bed, and doesn't want to tell anyone. But this behavior of his, of making ammends and being more caring now (things he never did before), is really freaking me out. I now that getting old is something that happens...it's nature...we're all going to go through it. But I don't want to see my parents die slowly. I always wonder what is it going to be like if one day I called my house and mom or dad didn't know who I was, or worse...if I came home for Break and they didn't recognize me...and worse than that, that I'll get the call while I'm at school, that one of them is in the hospital. It's another pressure that's added onto me besides school, my assistantship, and building the social network. And if something were to happen, it would really crush me. I have dreams that my parents will be there when I get married and be a part of my children's lives...but I'm lucky if they'll make it to my Master's graduation.

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you
Where are you going to?
Do you know...?
* Where am I headed now? Well, another semester of grad school is underway. I'm 1/4 of the way done with this journey. I will soon be looking for practicum sites with NODA and ACUHO-I for the summer. Many applications are due beginning January, so now during Break I have something to focus on completely and I won't have to worry about studying for classes for a while. Hopefully, I will get to be somewhere fun and learning conducive. Also, I'm hoping my financial woes get figured out soon. I'm going to apply for a student loan because I can't make ends meet with my stipend from my assistantship. Overall, I'm looking foward to 2009. But I have to say, 2008 was a GREAT YEAR! 2009 has a tough act to follow :)

Do you get what you're hoping for
When you look behind you there's no open door
What are you hoping for?
Do you know...?
*What am I hoping for in 2009: an exciting practicum experience for the summer, trying to make a difference at my assistanship, work on my study habits, getting involved on campus (join a group for fun so I can make new friends), and start living healthier (getting enough sleep, stressing less, not skipping meals, etc.)

And that ladies and gents is my analysis of the song and how it applies to me. Check out the song sometime. It's very pretty (almost reminds me of opening a wind-up jewelry box with a ballerina in it that twirls). It's a very light melody and has a nostalgic air to it. Hope you enjoy it :)

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 6

Food.

Holiday Spirit.

The inescapable reality of finals.

Yep, it’s that time of year. And we’ve all been feeling the stress. I really needed to get out of this building and I haven’t been home for Thanksgiving in two years, so I decided to surprise my parents for the holiday.

I feel like there is always this expectation that going home is going to be so much better than it is. While it was nice to see my family, it was also hard. I don’t feel like my parents really know who I am anymore. They moved to the east coast three years ago and it’s hard to stay in touch. Neither of my parents went to college, so it’s hard to explain to them exactly what it is that I do (I mean, let’s face it, even college educated people don’t always understand student affairs). Lately, I feel like I talk to my parents the way some people talk to God. You know, most of the time I’m too busy, but when I’m really stressed and upset they’re the people I call. I know that sounds terrible. Well, that is terrible.

Anyway, so I went home for four days. I don’t know what I expected. There was so much I wanted to talk about with my mom and I didn’t realize until she dropped me off at the airport and I started crying in her arms that I hadn’t said much of anything. Instead, I spent a lot of time listening to my grandpa’s adventures with dentures and playing dress up with my cousins. I attempted my first cheesecake (delicious) and bought a new pair of running shoes (finally), but I didn’t hug my family enough.

While I was at home, my mom told me that she was proud of me and how “together” I am. I didn’t tell her that just because you’re getting your master’s doesn’t mean you’re together. This semester has been rough. I’m struggling to stay positive, stay in shape, stay in touch with my friends, stay up-to-date on work and school, and stay in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend who is pushing me farther away every day. Going home gave me a little break from all of that, but I’m realizing that changing locations doesn’t solve your problems. The next three weeks are going to be hard. But soon enough, I’ll be back at home and maybe this time I can really make it count.

Takin' Care of Business #6

In my one-on-one with the coordinator of my unit, last month, we discussed how I needed to take more pride in my work. I guess she was thinking that I didn't really care about my assignments because I do them at the last minute. The answer resulted from a question she asked me about my writing and whether my professors have been giving me feedback on my papers. I said that they were, but she wanted to know why I wasn't improving (I've kind of reached a plateau with my grades). For some reason, I've gotten similar responses form other people. They give me this strange look because I'm not super excited about graduate school. My coordinator just gave me this look that said "You don't care?"

When I first started school in August, I thought the world was going to end because I had made it to graduate school. I was very "Oh my God! I'm here. This is so scary!" But as I began to get comfortable with my surroundings, I realized that this whole grad school business is not that bad. In fact, I fell into my routine...to me, writing critiques for my Theory class or typing up a paper discussing a critical issue in student affairs is, well, just homework to me right now. I don't see anything special about it, I don't get what the big deal is. I just simply see it as things I have to learn to get a job. Now...we've talked about "psychic income" in my classes before and how there has got to be that "something else" that makes us feel rewarded at our jobs. I feel like everything I'm learning right now will be relevant in the future when I work with students on a regular basis. But for right now, I just have my assistantship where all I do is cultural programming. And programming, well...I've done that as an RA and during my internship this past summer. I feel like I've improved with planning and creating programs, but it's not something necessarily new to me.

Like I told her during this week's one-on-one, "Everything is just a learning process for me right now", and she wants me to get into the mindset that I have skills, and I can use them (because before I was very hard on myself thinking that I had no special talents or gifts to offer). She asked me about my last critique that I wrote for Theory class and what grade did I get on it. I got a perfect score (my 2nd one the entire semester in that class). She asked me what made the difference in this grade than the ones before. I told her "We've been studying all the different racial identity development models and that's something I know about and that's why I can contribute to class discussion. I'm Hispanic. Multiculturalism has always been a part of my life. Do you know how many moves I've made in my life. From New York, to Puerto Rico, to Texas, to Iowa, and now Illinois. Multiculturalism...I live it. That's what I am". I think she liked that answer :) And well, let's just say, I think I'm totally qualified to be in my assistantship because it is the Diversity Office...and diversity constitutes everything that I've experienced in life so far.

Well, moving along...during my one-on-one meeting with my coordinator, she spent the time asking me about my ideas for practicums and what do I have going on for Finals Week. I have several major papers to write and we talked about the one for my Theory class. The final paper for that class has to deal with us making up our own theory. That seemed to be so complicated to me at the beginning of the semester when I first learned about the project. We have to select a certain population to apply our theory on. My coordinator wanted to know what were my ideas for the paper. I told her I was interested in doing my theory using graduate students for my sample. I said "I feel like in my classes all we ever focus on is on the undergrads, and nobody really ever cares about us grads...I don't know if I'll be able to use grad students for the paper--I have to ask first and make sure the theory we write isn't just about undergrads--and then I have to find a focus because, those who went to grad school straight from undergrad, are different from those who worked for a while and then went to grad school; but I haven't come up with any genius ideas yet".

During the past months, my coordinator has been trying to help me get out of my funk. I explained to her during my one-on-one, I've had a rough semester. You know what? Scratch that. I've had a rough year!!! Seriously, to whomever is reading this...I went from RAing, to finishing my senior classes, to applying to grad schools, searching for assistantships, grad school visits, conferences, multiple interviews, graduation, moving out of the residence hall, moving in with complete strangers during the summer, working full time at my internship this summer (WITHOUT PAY) until the last day I was in Iowa, to moving to Illinois the day after that, starting my assistantship the day after I moved, transitioning into grad school, missing my friends, going back to the undergrad to come back to Illinois heartbroken and depressed, to bouncing back again, and FINALLY understanding why I'm SO LUCKY to be here in graduate school....whew, that was a mouth full! When I meant is was a rough year, it really has been rough.

You see, life is a big trip...and I am in the portion of the ride where I'm making 360 degree turns and going around the loopty loops and ups and downs and spirals...this is a very exciting time in my life, yet very emotionally draining. So I kind of understand why I feel the way I do. I'm just tired (well, exhausted is more like it). I need to get away from all of this for a while. Away from school, work, new friends, old friends, missing my old life as an undergrad. I need time to recharge. Therefore, I'm looking foward to Winter Break and spending some time with my parents in Texas. Can't wait for this semester to be over! But back to my coordinator...

...my coordinator said something very interesting during my one-on-one. She explained that she was very excited to see me feeling more comfortable at this institution. She is also glad that now I have a more optimistic view about being here and about my work in class. I always go around fustrated about my assignments because when I first arrived here...I didn't have an opinion about higher education. I was barely introduced to this field about a year ago, and even so, the only aspect I really know about Student Affairs is Housing. I never thought that my experiences were valuable and so I never contributed any comments or participated in class much. I just didn't have anything to say, and my coordinator knew that I felt that way from the get-go. She tried to encourage me, but I was sticking to my guns. And although, we talk about dualism in my classes and how undergrad students want things in a black or white manner...I guess I keep falling into that concept. I want someone to tell me the right answers, but truth is there is no right or wrong answer. It's just an answer.

Going back to the subject of writing my own theory, my coordinator said that "You talk about having a genius idea, but it really is all about having a genuine idea versus a genius one; because everyone thinks that geniuses were Plato and Socrates, and really, those philosophers were just talking about their ideas and opinions. And I think you have very genuine ideas, you're on the right track". Way to go, boss, for encouraging me! haha. Way to go me! Round of applause. And so that was my "a-ha moment" of the week...I have a genuine idea? An honest and true opinion? I know how to think?! Critically?! Well, what do you know? I guess I did learn something this semester afterall...

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 5

Boy, do we love themes in student affairs. Last week I attended the regional NASPA conference, my first professional conference as a graduate student. The conference was in Tulsa, Oklahoma and the theme was “Weaving Our Way…Creating a Heritage in the Heartland.” I even went to an actual session on Cherokee basket weaving.

The trip got off to a bad start. I had stayed up late the night before watching the elections coverage and doing homework, and slept right through my alarm. Someone had to come to my room to wake me up. How embarrassing! I had four minutes to pack and no time to shower. Luckily, driving through the Midwest lulls you right to sleep. When I arrived at the hotel, my room was not ready and I looked through my bags to discover I had packed two black heels for my right foot and no black heels for my left foot. I also forgot to pack make-up which was becoming increasingly necessary as I could literally feel my face getting uglier from exhaustion and stress. By dinner time, I had a stress rash on my arm which was only stressing me out more. Needless to say, I was in a great mood to start networking.

Networking. It’s a word that’s used in student affairs about as much as icebreaker. And it makes me a little frustrated. While, I’m certainly a people person and I’m not shy, there’s a difference between getting to know people and attempting to shake hands with as many people as possible. Networking sometimes brings out the worst in us—insincerity, pretention, and of course, shameless self-promotion. Isn’t it more important to find good mentors and build close relationships to a few people than to have 50 people think you look “sort-of-familiar” at next year’s conference? I’ll reserve thrusting my right hand into an innocent person’s midsection for self-defense instead of self-promotion.

I realize I’m being more than a little whiny when my experience was actually quite good. Despite getting off to a bad start, forgetting a bunch of things, and having an interesting (and quite possibly crazy) server at a luncheon, I had a great time. I met some outstanding professionals, 30-minute mentors who told great stories including a story about a man who, as a young hall director, had been held up at gun-point by residents, and who asked challenging questions like “What risks have you taken lately?” Many of the sessions were enlightening and all of the speakers were excellent and inspiring.

But perhaps the best part of the conference, other than the heavenly Marriot beds, was the chance it gave to learn more about people from my own institution. After four years at a smaller school where I knew everyone, it’s still difficult to get used to a large school where I know no one. The whole dynamic of the department is much different and it takes a lot longer to get to know people here. I was lucky to have good conversations with other grads who I don’t know very well and professionals who I know even less. To me, those conversations were the most valuable.

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 4

Have you seen those previews for the new TV show with Christian Slater? Christian Slater as good guy. Christian Slater as bad guy. It’s all very dramatic. These days I kinda feel like I’m two people, too. There’s me as a professional and me as a student and the two seem to be mutually exclusive.

Most days I really don’t feel like I’m a student. Sure, I sit in class for two-and-a-half hours Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, but sitting in a classroom doesn’t make you any more studious than sitting in a church makes you religious. I feel like the majority of my time is spent on my assistantship with a little time left over for my personal life. Let me give you some examples…

Recently, I took a weekend off to visit my boyfriend on the east coast. My Thursday night class had been cancelled so I booked my flight for Thursday evening and put in extra office hours during the week. On Wednesday night, I went to class like normal but all I could think about was the stuff I needed to do before I left town. So, at break I decided to skip out on the rest of my class so I could do important things like paint my nails and coordinate outfits.

Professional/Personal Me: 1 Scholarly Me: 0

Last week, I went out of town again--this time, to visit my alma mater for Homecoming. I planned to attend my Thursday night class but a combination of a hectic week full of meetings that lasted well into the night and four consecutive days of gloomy, rainy weather took their toll and I skipped that class completely. I’m not sure that you’re supposed to skip school as a graduate student but sometimes you just need a break, right?

Professional/Personal Me: 2 Scholarly Me: 0

Then there are midterms. They’re the first big assignments we’ve had in my program so it’s probably important to put in a little extra effort. Which is why, of course, I got a start on my last paper the night before it was due. And which is also why I still haven’t started the even longer paper that is due this Thursday.

Professional/Personal Me: 3 Scholarly Me: 0

So anyway, at least I’m aware that I have a problem. Because I don’t think that one Christian Slater knows about the other one. I know that I’m not exactly the model student here (although I have managed to fit in some proof reading on the two papers I’ve written so far). I wish they could make some kind of energy drink that makes you academically energized. Or perhaps a vaccination for procrastination. Until then, I suppose I have to dig deep and find some intrinsic motivation.

Sigh. I’ll start tomorrow.

Takin' Care of Business #5

Where do I stand? The question haunting me for the past week...

In all of my classes for Student Affairs we constantly talk about dualism. We speak about how students are usually looking for something definite, concrete, stable. People don't like change. This dualism concept seems to be a continual process. I find myself in that process right now. We spend so much time focusing and learning about the undergraduate student, we forget to think about the grad student. What about us? What happened to our needs?

Dualism serves practical people like me a great deal of comfort. Obviously, this all dependss on the context you look it over. Ha Ha. Context. One of our favorite words in Theory Class. Black and White. Right or Wrong. 5 pages versus 10 pages. For the one going through transition, gray is not an option, loopholes must cease to exist, and definitely typing up 5 pages is better than 10 any day.

I feel like I constantly struggle with this whole young professional by day, student by night thing. Just the other day, I faced this at my assistantship. My office was going to have a tent set up at my institution's Homecoming for tailgating. Though me and the other grad that works in my office were told to be at the tailgate at a certain hour, we were also told that we could go to the parade. Well, it so happens that our boss forgot about it, and we got in trouble for being late. We both received the lecture on the fact that we weren't just students anymore, but also staff members. Yadda, yadda, yadda...what else is new?

Time and time again, we've also gotten the lecture about how we shouldn't party with the undergraduate students. It sometimes gets complicated because I will befriend someone and not know that they're an undergrad. Or like the student workers at the office, who are such cool people (and 21 and over). It really does make me unhappy when I get invited to a party and have to say no because they're undergrads. I haven't really befriended alot of grad students, just the ones from my cohort.

Even with my financial problems at the moment, it's the same deal. Now that I'm a graduate student and I apply for financial aid, I have to fill out the paperwork and be classified as "Independent". And also...I can't get grants anymore! I can only get loans? How unfair is the world? Geez Louise, why can't I get grants? I'm still a student either way!

Even in my personal life, I can't get a right or wrong answer (the black and white). I like this guy who is a friend of mine. He keeps sending me mixed signals. One minute I'm his best friend, the other I'm his play thing. I don't like standing in the middle of this. What's a girl to do?

This is another phase of the learning process, right? I'm keeping my spirits up. I have to deal with being away from my friends and my family, and I think I've come far along with accepting that portion of my life right now. I just wish this transition period would just be over and done for. Dualism, you make my life miserable...where do I stand? Right in the middle...stuck like a slug on a tree.

Takin' Care of Business #4

Yes, my life has been busy and the majority of it has been going well; However...this has been my roughest week since I began grad school.

This week I wanted to throw in the towel.

Last week, I was very excited about going back to my undergrad institution for it's big Homecoming game. The only thing wrong with it was that my grad school was the opponent team for this big game. How does one choose who to root for? Obvious answer: the undergrad. Had I dared to wear my grad school's colors, I would have gotten a beat down in the parking lot on my way to the football game.

The entire week I had spoken of nothing else but of "going home" to Iowa. I call this place my home because that's where I have been my happiest at. It's the one place where I truly belong to the community. It's the one place where I felt wanted. My "permamnent address" (my parents) is hundreds of miles away in Texas, but Iowa is a part of me as much as I'm a part of it. So even though I go to school now about 4 1/2 hours away, my heart lies in Iowa. And my entire drive to Iowa was an exciting one, as I anticipated the joy I'd get once I would see all of my friends.

Every hour on the hour, I was talking to someone. I would walk down the street and people would wave at me or shout out my name. Every ten minutes I'd shriek with delight; squeals of happiness would emerge from deep within me as I saw alumni from years ago come back to town. "Oh my God, where have you been?" and "I haven't seen you in forever" and "I've really missed you" and "See, now things feel normal again"...over and over. It was such a great feeling to walk around my old campus and be such a rockstar. Those comments from people just made me realize that I really did matter at school and that I did make an impact on people's lives. Whether it was big or small, I gave my contribution to the students and the university. "That's because you know half of the campus, girl!" one of my old room mates said as I explained about how many people I had talked to that weekend. No kidding! I DID KNOW half the campus. It is so great to be loved. I have never felt that appreciated before. I mean, even the custodians that worked in my residence hall last year, when I was an RA, were excited to have me back. If anything, this Homecoming was for me not for the football team.

The Homecoming game was great. I spent the majority of the football game trying to read for Monday night's class. 400 page book and 17,000 fans cheering. Not a whole lot of concentration was going on. I was getting strange looks from people as my best friend's dad told me to put my book away, to which I replied with "I'm a grad student! I have responsabilities". My undergrad beat my grad, so I was celebrating with everyone else. But after 2 days of feeling elated on being back, it all came to a stop when I had to return back to my grad school...a 4 1/2 hour drive that I was not looking foward to.

I cried for a while in my car. I also sang at the top of my lungs to stay awake on the road (I was extremely tired). I arrived to my apartment sad, sleepy, and so heartbroken. The next day was horrible. My facebook wall was filled with comments from people who were happy to have seen me during the weekend. I reflected back on the trip thinking "Is it really worth it to be here, when I feel this miserable and alone and unhappy?" I really wish I could have both worlds, the undergrad and grad school. But you can't have everything in this world. I thought about how it would feel if I went home to my parents, defeated. They would be so dissapointed in me. I have a BA, but I said I was going to get this MA, and for me to not finish, because I was scared? because I was gonna chicken out? because I simply just "miss my friends" (add the touch of sarcasm from my mom)? The first one to go to college, and I'm gonna blow this opportunity away? Really, what am I thinking about? Honestly, do I want to become part of that statistic of Hispanics that drop out from college? NO!!!! I worked too hard to get here, I suffered enough, and I need to pull myself together. How am I gonna be takin' care of business, if I can't even take care of myself? Just when things were starting to get better, I fell through a crack and I'm back where I started. Again.

This week, I have been in the worst of moods. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was angry at the world. I was depressed. I was tired. It is almost like my body has decided to go on strike against me. I haven't eaten much. I haven't slept much. I'm super stressed to get everything done for classes. I have financial issues for I can't pay my school bill, and thus I can't register for classes now. My mom has been sick and was taken to the hospital yesterday (but she is feeling better today). Everything seems to be falling on me, and I don't know how or why I get out of bed in the mornings. But I hope everything next week goes a bit smoother.

Takin' Care of Business #3

Life is a big trip...and boy, was I in for the ride!

These past 3 weeks have been incredibly crazy. It's so weird to think it's mid-October now, when just a few weeks ago I was complaining about how this semester would never end. Alot has happened in the past 3 weeks.

My assistantship is driving me a bit nuts. Since this is my first "grown up" job, it's been very difficult for me to understand what is my place. I'm a student, but a young professional. In my "Theory of Higher Education" class we talk alot about dualism...how students want everything in black and white. Nobody ever cares for gray because it is one color of major confusion. I feel that right now I would prefer black or white. At my job, they expect me to do certain things, but are constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure that it gets done their way. Since I'm at a new institution, I'm constantly learning about how things operate. There are many times when I hear of favoritism for one student group over another. This makes me upset because all groups should have an equal chance for services offered by my office. I also get a bit upset at how nobody knows where my office is at. The Diversity Office is located in one corner of campus, separate from the major offices. Many don't know that our office is "that one house in the corner". It just goes to show how many people actually come visit us. But I like our little house. It's cozy and it gives the students (the 10 or so who actually come down to the office) a very home-like atmosphere. It's a place for them to come hang out, to talk, to relax, to study. It's so good when they come to visit. They all know me by name and always greet me with a hug. I dare even to say that friendships with these students are blooming. Since I'm also a student I feel entitled to hang out with them, but as a staff member it seems to be innapropriate. I really just don't know where I stand sometimes.

Classes have been a major pain! Papers, papers, papers! Every. single. week. How on Earth is someone supposed to relax when there is always another assignment to be turned in? This past week the students have been going through midterms...well, so have the grads. The Theory class gave us a take home test with 2 weeks to work on it (one of those weeks being our Homecoming). Well, since I've been busy with other stuff I left that take home to complete until the day before (like I usually do) and spent most of the night writing it. Though I have made my Time Management Plan since earlier this semester, I have not used the master plan I created. Honestly, I have no excuse to not study, but it seems like every other week something "unexpected" comes up and I have to go deal with it. It could be a special project for another class or maybe an assignment from work. Extra hours to do extra things. But the deal is: it just never ends. The madness continues...

As far as my social life, I LOVE the people in my program! So many different personalities and characters. One thing is for sure, these grads like to have fun. Every Wednesday, a couple of us go out somewhere to check out the nightlife in our town. We sit for a an hour or so and vent about the week over a slice of pizza. The cliques that had been forming at the beginning of the semester are now fading away to this big cohesive group :) It makes me so happy when I hear that everyone else is having the same doubts and fustrations as me. I don't feel alone anymore. I actually have friends now who I can talk to about my personal feelings on subjects or when I just need a pep talk to get me through the day.

It's all coming together and here I am, busy, again like when I was an undergrad. School, work, and building a social life...who would have thought?

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 3

res·i·dence hall /ˈr[rez-i-duhns hol]

n. A place of warmth where people, generally students, live and share in a sense of comfort and community. A home away from home.

“I can’t wait to go home to my residence hall.”

dor·mi·to·ry [dor-mə-tor-ē]

n. A place where people sleep. Not unlike prison and similar to the cold, cruel boarding houses and orphanages of the Victorian era.

“All the girls in the dormitory have been whipped.”

It’s time for an introduction. A call-me-Ishmael moment. I’m 22. I graduated from a small state school in May and in July I started grad school at a large public university in the Midwest. I have an assistantship as a Hall Director for the largest residence hall on campus.

As an undergrad, I was an RA, a campus tour guide, a member of student government, and a reporter for the newspaper. In those four years I learned the difference between a residence hall and a dorm and the distinction between a provost and a president. And I loved every minute of it. Which is why I’ve decided to try and stay at college for as long as possible.

I probably should have introduced myself before launching into stories of my hectic new life. But I guess beginning in the middle is similar to my experience so far. There is really no training that can totally prepare you for a job in student affairs. I learn most lessons as I go.

So, here I am, using my experience as an RA, a student leader, a college student, and just a regular person, to deal with any number of random situations that arise. Like people throwing furniture from tenth-story windows. Or floors feuding. Students stuck in broken elevators. And helicopter parents calling to talk about their students.

As a child, I didn’t dream of becoming a student affairs professional. Who does? At different times I wanted to be an artist, a doctor, a lawyer, a journalist, an actress, and a teacher. Along the way, I’ve learned that you can’t really plan on anything. So while I would love to be a university dean or president, I’m still not counting out a career as a politician or dental hygienist. If my assistantship has taught me anything so far it’s to expect the unexpected.

Takin' Care of Business # 2

At the beginning of my arrival to my graduate institution, I was completely miserable. I really wanted to go back to the town where my undergrad was located at; and even though that town is far far away from my family, it's MY home. I'm still far from my family's town, but I miss MY home. The first 4 weeks of being at the new university was quite awful. I cried all the time. I called people back at the undergrad just to talk. I always felt so lonely. The thing is...the last day I was at MY home, I didn't see "tomorrow" happening. I went into this moment of denial, and moving day was not happening in my head. And then "tomorrow" came and I moved, but it just wasn't clicking that I was going to be at the new place permanently. As that first week went by, I started to realize I was alone. It's really strange to move out of the dorms, to an apartment with strangers, to an apartment by yourself. I'm so used to having people walk by my door, knock on my door, and even bang my door (like my residents used to do when I was an RA). My grad apartment is small, old, and empty. I have no furniture whatsoever. Everything looked really sad to me because I was sad. Classes began and I was off to a rocky start, and if you read my previous post it was starting to get better just recently (barely getting there, but hey...it's happening, right?). It struck me one day after revising the "philosophy of ME" (again, story of my previous post) that I needed to change my attitude about being here at the new place. This entire first month of grad school I felt like a part of me had died when I left MY home. It was really hard to admit that to myself, let alone to other people. I've always been a happy-go-lucky type of girl. But how did I get to become such a Debbie Downer? In order to regain my sanity back and to start living again...I needed to give this place a chance, but most of all I needed to be patient. I have the opportunity of a lifetime to get an education--paid for, and I'm complaining? What is my problem?! And with that being said, I took each day at a time; one foot in front of the other thinking that "I CAN do this" because that's how I had to be takin' care of business (sorry, I had to plug my title in somewhere).

Last week my world began to shift...

On Monday, I had to give a presentation on a project I made. The assignment was to photograph a location or territory of my campus and demonstrate how that space affects students and their development through the photos. My project was on a residence hall, and though we had a minimum requirement of 12 photos, I think I put like 30 pictures on my tri-fold. As my classmates approached my project, I would give my little speech about it. My professor happens to walk by during one of my speeches and listens in. She looked at my project and asked me 2 questions, and said "You've really captured it..." and she walked away. It was the best feeling ever! I finally did something right in class. I was quite excited, and that set the mood of the rest of the week for me. On Wednesdays, I have a Theory class, and it is really hard. When I came out of class one night, 2 other girls and I were talking about our struggles in class and we found ourselves in the same boat. As we continued to talk for the next 3 hours, we found out alot of things in common with each other. One of them expressed how she doesn't really have other girls to talk to (like the way she was talking to us). Since then, we hang out after class for a bit and talk. This is really exciting for me because I'm finally starting to make friends (a month later, but finally!).

This past weekend, my assistantship office took some students on a retreat to discuss diversity. I was looking foward to going, but little did I know that it would complete my awesome week. At my assistantship I don't get an opportunity to interact much with different students. At the retreat, I got to talk to international students, grad students, and undergrad students. I got to talk about my experiences with diversity, and I also got to answer questions that some students had about my ethnicity and where did I grow up at. I also got to contribute parts of my culture such as music and dance during our free times throughout the weekend. Everyone had a fun time. Yesterday as I was walking to class, I saw students that I recognized from the retreat, as well as students who work at my assistantship office and those who always come to visit the office. I found myself waving hello to people across campus and many of the Latino, African American, International, and Caucasian students were flagging me down to give me a hug. It's been about a month since I last hugged someone...now my new friends and students are offering hugs to me and it's something I really needed.

And so...I'm starting to be recognized on campus by my students. I feel like it's all starting to connect (the campus and me), like everything is falling into place the way it should be, and that I'm returning to my happy-go-lucky self again. All harmony has been restored in my universe and the world is as it should be :) ...Well, at least for this week...

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory - 2

Ok so I’m kind of freaking out.

I got an email a few weeks ago about the federal loans I took out as an undergrad. I briefly looked at it and decided to deal with it later. Well, later snuck up on me and I thought I’d take some time this Sunday afternoon to get a few personal things sorted out, including this loan thing.

It turns out I owe the government enough money to buy a fairly decent new car. This equates to payments of $200 a month for the next 10 years.

10 years.

I will be 32 in ten years.

There is a very distinct yucky feeling in my stomach. I wasn’t even in high school ten years ago. Where will I be ten years from now?

It feels like a very big responsibility to have an additional $200 payment to make every month for the next one-hundred-and-twenty months. This must be what it feels like to buy a new car. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to buy a house.

And $200 is a lot of money. I know it might not seem like it to some people, but $200 is a fourth of what I make every month. And I liked in better when I could spend that money on things like shoes. Two-hundred dollars a month is about $6.67 a day. That money could buy one meal every day. I guess it’s a good thing I skip breakfast because from now on I won’t be able to afford it.

I always tell people that financial difficulties should not be a reason for not attending college. While it is important to invest in your education, I’m starting to realize that money matters a lot more than I thought.

When I first applied to schools, I only applied to a large, public school in my state. I had great ACT scores and a perfect GPA. I ended up deciding that large school was too expensive and attending a smaller, regional school. Unfortunately, I applied too late to receive any scholarships and had to rely on financial aid. Now, I’m upset at myself for not applying to more schools and trying to get more scholarships.

Still, my loan is only a fraction of what some students pay. The university I worked at this summer cost about $40,000 to attend each year. That’s $160,000 dollars for a bachelor’s degree. And I know someone who is going to a prestigious medical school that will end up costing about $360,000. Payments on a loan like that would be $3,000 a month for ten years. And that doesn’t even include interest payments.

I have the option to defer payments until I’m out of grad school, but I don’t think I will. While it would be nice to wait until I have a larger salary, 34 sounds a whole lot older than 32 and I don’t want to be in debt any longer than I have to.

I wish there was a deferment option on this whole growing up thing. I’d like to wait just five more years until I have to be on my own, please.

It's a residence hall NOT a dormitory

DISCLAIMER: I have a very eclectic taste in music that includes classic rock, punk rock, even the occasional Britney Spears song. But mostly, I love hip hop. My current favorite is that David Banner “Have you ever seen a Chevy with the butterfly doors?” song and my ring tone is usually Chris Brown (because who doesn’t like to dance every time someone calls?). But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m a closet country music fan. None of that honky tonk stuff. Just the newer stuff of the Carrie Underwood-Keith Urban-Taylor Swift persuasion. Please don’t tell anyone.

Have you ever felt like a song was written for you? Well I’m pretty sure most of Carrie Underwood’s songs were written for me. Seriously. I remember listening to Carrie (yes, we’re on a first name basis) when I was moving to a new apartment at a new school in August. And in August, I was certain “The Night Before (Life Goes On)” was about my life.

Tomorrow she'll be rolling down I-10
Baton Rouge, LSU
18 years in her rearview
He's got a Friday paycheck lined up down the block
At daddy's shop
It ain't much but it’s a job
They've been dreading this moment all summer long
The night before
Life goes on.

Yes, it was pretty much EXACTLY my situation. Except I wasn’t headed to Louisiana. And my boyfriend was moving to China, not staying at home and working for his father. And, of course, I’m 22. Still, I listened to Track 5 and I cried the whole way.

But as Carrie promised, life goes on and pretty soon I was dancing to a new beat. Specifically, “Starts with Goodbye”:

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

The beginning of graduate school really did start with saying goodbye to all of my friends and my small, regional university. I had to let go of a lot of things that I loved as an undergrad and at first it did break me down. It was incredibly difficult to transition from knowing everyone to knowing no one. I didn’t make strong connections to any of the other new grads right away and worst of all I didn’t feel like myself. I’m usually outgoing, gregarious, and fun but throughout training I was very reserved. I felt unsure about supervising a group of undergraduates who knew more about the school than I did and I worried about being in a building that is larger than a lot of towns in this state.

It’s been about a month and things are starting to change. I went back to my undergrad school last weekend and saw a bunch of friends. It was nice but at the same time it wasn’t quite the same. It was kind of like the first time you hang out with your high school friends after being away at college. You change. They change. And eventually you realize that it’s ok. Because like Carrie says, sometimes we have to say goodbye to people and things we love to move on with our lives.

It feels good to be back here after a weekend away. My tiny apartment in my gigantic building is starting to feel like home. There will be bad days but I’m thankful to be working toward a master’s degree in a field I love. I’m learning to be myself in this new place and trying to make the most of this experience. There’s even a Carrie song for that. “So Small” reminds me not to get caught up in the little things and to make the most of my experience here, which shouldn’t be hard considering housing is a 24-hour job most days. Here’s a little more Carrie wisdom:

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river that’s so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

I know. I know. It’s a lot of Carrie Underwood. But seriously, you should listen to her albums. There’s even a song about some of our undergrads. It’s called “Wasted.” There’s probably a song about you, too.

All the connections I’ve been making between music and life makes me wonder if I’m going into the right career. Maybe I should be pursuing Music Therapy instead of working with college students. Or maybe I could do both. I could use music for judicial hearings, sort of like penance. Noise complaint? Listen to this 10 times. Roommate conflict? Check these out. And when everyone starts modeling my cutting edge Music Judicial Model I’ll say it’s all thanks to Carrie.

"Takin' Care of Business"...

Before I start writing about my experiences for the whole world to see, I just wanted to introduce myself properly and give all of you reading this a bit of background on what I've been up to.

First of all, I'm currently starting my first year of graduate school as I prepare to obtain my Master's Degree in College Student Personnel Administration. I barely finished my Bachelor's Degree about a month ago; I was working on a 9 credit hour internship this summer that started the week after school was over and continued until my last day in the state (400 hours of free labor). I had no vacation whatsoever this year. I worked until 6:30 p.m. of July 30th, went home to pack all of my belongings, and the next day I moved to the next bordering state, and the day after I started my graduate assistantship training. I know, I know...BUSY! But sometimes you need to be takin' care of business...

I got an amazing assistantship at my graduate institution working with cultural programming and helping students of underrepresented groups. However, the entire experience of starting grad school hasn't been all peaches and cream. I like to contribute this due to my feelings of nostalgia towards my undergraduate institution. I miss it so much because I was very happy with my life there (an occurence that has never really happened to me before).

It has been no secret that I have been going through a difficult transition. Graduate school has not been easy in these initial weeks. I have spoken to several friends who are going through their first weeks of graduate classes at different campuses across the United States. Everyone has been feeling the same way I have. The second week of school I was asked to write about my Philosophy on Higher Education. Week #2 and we're already writing papers? And not just any paper, but my philosophy statement? I was so distraught on writing this paper. I typed for hours about things I thought students needed. I tried to base these on situations I encountered and issues I saw my peers face. But as much as I wrote, nothing made sense. I could not articulate one intelligent thought or make it a concrete one. I suddenly found myself lost, and decided to call up the one person who I knew could give me an answer: my academic advisor at my undergrad.

My undergrad academic advisor has been my rock throughout this entire process of me becoming an adult. When she answered the phone very excited because she hadn't heard from me in a while. I told her "You didn't tell me that I needed to have an opinion when I got into grad school". As I explained my writer's block woes to her, I went to explain how tough my first two weeks had gone. I sit in class very confused the majority of the time. I listen intently to what my classmates have to say. I feel incompetent sitting next to them because I can't think of anything clever, or smart, or brilliant to say. I barely learned about the field of Student Affairs just last summer (a year ago) as I went through Resident Assistant training. I didn't think I would need to have an opinion formed on it already. I thought I was going to grad school to learn more about the field, and then develop my ideas and mold that opinion. She asked me about the things I believed in. She prompted me on several topics that she knew were important to me like diversity, getting involved, and the fact that I love school and I think everyone should experience it. She asked "Well, aren't those things that you believe in?", and I said "Yeah, sure, of course. I'm very passionate about diversity, and student groups, and just college in general". And she says "There you go. That's a philosophy". And I said, "Really?" She explained to me that philosophies are ideals that you believe in, that it's your opinion.

Needless to say, I finished that paper on the nick of time. I even got a chance to revise, too! I told my undergrad academic advisor about my fears of grad school, that since I've started, I feel like I'm not cut out for this anymore. I asked her "Why did I decide to do this? Just last Fall we were sitting in your office talking about making that next step. Why did I take it?" And she told me "Do you think I would have encouraged you to go to grad school if I didn't think that you could do it?" I said "I don't know anymore! I can't do this; Maybe you were wrong about me". She then told me, "You can do this. You've gotten this far, ok? You got the BA under your belt. This is just another step. You CAN do this". And so, I've been pondering on that phone call for the past several days, and the one thing I realized is that not only did I need to revise my philosophy on higher education, but I needed to revise the philosophy of myself. I need to believe in ME...